The God on My Shoulder

Starting this month, my company began operating with $500,000. It might seem small compared to expectations—about 700 million Korean won. An additional $1.5 million in investments is expected, along with another $200,000 in supplementary funding. We’re currently in B2B contract discussions with a major exchange. The idea is to integrate our service into their platform. We’ve already completed the first step—signing an MOU—and are now entering negotiations for a formal contract. If the funds come in on schedule and we finalize a deal with an exchange ranked among the top global platforms, maybe this bitter taste of life might finally come to an end. Or maybe... it's only just beginning.

So I prayed to God—long and hard.

"Either take my life now, or let me see this through to the very end." "I have no idea what You want from me, or where You're leading me in this shitty life, but fine. I’ll follow it through. Just let me rest in peace when it’s all over."

How far had I fallen? Year after year, I experienced countless broken contracts, watching tens of thousands of dollars disappear overnight. I had to scramble just to make ends meet. So run away, you liars. Change your words, disappear. Do you think you’ll find paradise wherever you escape to?

Even if they owed me tens of thousands and never paid it back, I don’t believe for a second their lives would turn into heaven because of it. So I forgave them all. Maybe I was hoping to earn favor in God’s eyes too. Just like in Proverbs 19:17:

"Whoever is kind to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will reward them for what they have done." — Proverbs 19:17

Were they truly poor? Or just pretending to be? Were they truly pitiful? Or just acting the part? I had no way of knowing. I just believed this path was right. So I told them, “I forgive you. I don’t need your money.” I’ll make that money back. I’ll work for it. And for those who trusted me enough to lend me money or invest in me—I'll repay it double, triple, tenfold if I can. That’s how I’ve been living. That’s why I forgave. That’s why there’s no going back. I had to succeed. I must succeed.

I’m still just getting started, but now my assets are starting to generate revenue. The cycle is beginning to turn. It’s been so painfully hard that I’ve imagined throwing myself off a building and becoming nothing more than a pile of flesh more times than I can count. My family would probably resent me—cursing the useless son who gave up and left them behind. Just imagining that humiliation makes it impossible to die. I refuse to go out like that. No matter how many scumbags try to scam me, no matter how many unpaid debts pile up—tens of millions, hundreds of millions, even billions of won—it doesn’t matter.

I’ll make it. I’ll succeed. And I’ll succeed so greatly that all that money will feel like pocket change. I’ll succeed so I can finally do the things I’ve always wanted to do in this garbage world.

What pain could be greater than death? When I hit rock bottom and looked up at the world from there, even taking a single step felt like a success. That’s what my life was: not a mess of pathetic failures, but a staircase of triumphs—each small step a win. Even when people grabbed at my legs to pull me down, even when the wind slammed me to the ground, I climbed that far on my own two feet. So I can keep climbing. As long as I’m alive, I can keep rising—and I will do something even greater. Even if it takes time. Even if I get knocked down again and again. Even if I have to live through more shame and disgrace. I’ll climb again. And this time, I’ll rise higher than ever. I don’t know if I’ve filled the cup of suffering God has handed me—but if I have, then maybe now… now it’s my turn to make it.