單戀

When my self-esteem was low during my childhood, I couldn't bring myself to speak up even if there was a girl I liked. I would merely harbor a unrequited love, imagining what it would be like if I were to date her. Looking back now, she wasn't exceptionally beautiful or tremendously fun, and we weren't even that close, so I sometimes wonder why I felt that way—but I believe that is the fresh, innocent emotion that can only be felt during one's youth.

As I grew older, unrequited love vanished, and it seemed there was always only the cycle of drawing closer and drifting apart. If I were to come to like someone very deeply, it would only be after we began dating. Until the relationship actually begins, even if there is mutual attraction, that feeling of unrequited love from the past simply does not arise anymore. Thus, I occasionally miss my foolish self from my younger days. The emotion of being able to secretly like someone might, in a way, be the most honest form of affection.

Living a life where I expose myself to the internet, I have somehow become a person exposed to many people in various ways. Right now, more than 5,000 people on Brunch and over 13,000 people on YouTube know me; they know my face, they know my writings, and they know the traces I have left behind. Even if I do not know the faces of my subscribers, they know me, and perhaps several of them might even like me. That must be why they are watching me with interest.

Often, when I happened to meet subscribers, there were those who bought gifts for me. Even without a gift, seeing them express immense delight becomes quite a unique joy from my perspective, as people whose faces I completely do not know look at me and beam with bright smiles. While it is not unrequited love, a life exposed in a single direction is, in that regard, not bad at all. After all, it means I am receiving even a very small amount of love and attention relayed from many people. If I were to become more popular later on, I could receive even more love and attention from even more people. If that happens, wouldn't it make the world quite worth living in?

For a long time, I have lived as if my sense of taste was completely eroded by the dry, bitter flavor of life. I hated the world, I hated God. I hated everyone, and I hated humans. However, although there were countless hateful people, hateful incidents, and hateful matters, I would frequently discover the fact that there were also many people who liked me for no particular reason, even though I am someone of no great consequence. In the end, that was how it worked. Humans are wounded by humans, and healed thanks to humans. The wounds received from those who hurt me without reason could be healed through those who love me without reason.

In that sense, unrequited love might not be a form of love that merely lingered in one's fresh childhood, nor is it an incomplete love, but rather a form of a gift that a human can convey to another human with the utmost sincerity. The recipient of the gift could naturally be bewildered by the unexpected present, they could be joyful, or at times they could be displeased, but it was nonetheless a gift. A gift crafted by an emotion that was highly precious and cherished for a long time. It is a beautiful gift.

If there is an example from the past that explicitly illustrates unrequited love, it would be the paper crane. There were people who folded paper cranes to fill a large container and gave it as a gift. It was a truly romance-filled era. How warm must that heart have been, thinking of the other person while folding those countless paper cranes? Of course, the person who received the gift might feel burdened by that heart, but that can never become a justification to insult them or throw the gift away. If one is to reject it, they ought to politely return it so that the paper cranes do not get crushed. And accepting that rejection would also be a process of mature love. Rather than throwing a tantrum and tormenting the other person while wishing for them to accept it.

However, we are all born immature, the paths we have walked and our experiences differ, the genes inherited from our parents are different, and even if we possess the same brain, the pathways and magnitudes of neural stimulation are slightly different, the degree to which we feel pain differs, and the degree of happiness differs as well. Not everyone can live life by the exact same scale, but if there is one thing that everyone stands in need of, I believe that it is love. Even someone who says, "I don't want to be loved," undoubtedly wishes to receive love, and desires to become a person who comes to someone's mind late into the night. If one could only become such a person, I imagine that they would be able to do just about anything.