Late-Night Homework

It is just past 3:20 AM.

Today, I deleted a large portion of the work I did yesterday. It was for practical reasons.

I wanted to build the mobile app as close to native as possible, but it was difficult to get any speed that way. The biggest issue was testing for each environment. To compensate for this, I shifted my direction from Native to React Native. I didn’t want to use RN. It had been a while since I wanted to build something solid from the ground up with native code. But that simply required too much hands-on labor.

Out of a few options, I chose the easiest one. Even though I chose the easiest path, completing it took a whole day. Almost all of today was spent on it.

Around the time I was finishing up the work, I heard thumping sounds outside the door. A courier delivery arrived late in the evening. The item I ordered was a motion desk. It’s a very cheap model, but it had good reviews. Since I sit all day long, I thought, I can't go on like this, and hesitated numerous times about whether to buy it or not. In the midst of that, considering the Mac environment and device testing needed for mobile app development, I made up my mind to use two desks and keep all the computers at home there.

However, contrary to my intentions, the mobile app development ended in just two days—yesterday and today. Since I only needed to implement one exact feature, it wasn’t even difficult. A simple task of just pulling and using a web app that had already been built.

Around 10 PM, I looked at the delivery box and debated for quite a while whether to return it or just go ahead and install it. Blankly turning on an internet broadcast to use as a radio, I began assembling the desk in my pajamas.

Assembling the desk took a little over an hour. Maybe two hours. Losing all sense of time, simply tightening screws, looking at the manual, and repeatedly grumbling at the strange instructions, I did the installation and cleaning—and before I knew it, the time had passed 3 AM.

Having completed the installation, I placed my computers at home—three machines: an iMac, a Mac Mini, and a Mac Pro—on top of it, and it looked quite decent. With the Windows computer I recently put together on the main desk, and the existing Mac series lined up on one side, I could newly see my home transformed into a complete workshop.

What I had to do next was incredibly clear. What needs to be done to make my business succeed. I know it all too clearly.

In a way, I fall into the illusion that I might be on a mystical journey. I look like someone who lives with complaints and grievances every day, but day after day, I am doing the work I love, and I find joy in it. I know well enough that this is what people call happiness. I might be living a life within a happiness that I chose myself.

I am grateful for this, but on the other hand, I know very well that I cannot just let this be the end. That is why I struggle even more desperately to survive. All while saying I don't want to live. Spending time assembling a small desk, washing my dirtied feet, writing down various thoughts under the light in the late dawn, and being able to listen to a piano performance without being disturbed by anyone. My home has created a space for the computer setup and work that I had dreamed of for a long time, and I have already been surviving well there for several years now.

Life is truly subtle and thrilling. I have absolutely no idea where I am heading, but I feel as though I have already half-arrived at the life I love.

The appearance of my life right now matches exactly with how I play simulation games like The Sims. I keep working toward a goal, writing, and striving to spend most of my time effectively. When my social need fills up, I manage to resolve even that effectively. Why have I come to use myself so effectively? For what purpose am I living like this?

I liked people, yet I hated people. I loved life, yet I detested life. A contradictory life. A contradictory human being.

Even as I look at my insignificant self, on the other hand, I see a version of myself that has improved. It’s a pretty enjoyable life. Living as a human being. Even though it can be incredibly frustrating.