What a beauty

I became as still as if I had stepped into the abyss. Having cut everything away, only my insignificant self remained. To put it into words, it felt like stripping off countless layers of clothing I had been wearing. I felt no reason to speak to anyone. It feels as though I am finally seeking out what I truly must do. Once the fake pleasures are removed, only the essence remains. I unsubscribe from all YouTube channels. I wipe out my entire viewing history. I delete the YouTube app. If I ever need to watch something, I can do so occasionally on my computer. I close the comment sections on all my videos across Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok. What people say to me is always the same anyway. Encouragement, gratitude, and a few malicious comments. It is entirely predictable. If they are grateful, clicking the "Like" button is more than enough; if they dislike it, they can just choose "Do not recommend channel" or hit "Dislike." There is absolutely no reason to converse. Brunch has been that way for a very long time. I have lost all meaning in communicating. In a way, I too have contributed to the pornography industry. We didn't share a genuine relationship, yet I displayed a facade of one, causing them to fall into an illusion. Because my image moves and speaks inside that idiot box, they mistake it for a living, breathing human being—someone connected to them. Tragically, I do not know their faces, nor do I know their names. A one-sided relationship. It is typical pornography, hiding the truth and projecting an illusion.

I also erase meaningless encounters. I remove everything that is of no help to me. If someone truly wants the real me, there are plenty of ways to approach me with sincerity, whether by calling or writing an email. However, I have no room to care about them. I am in too deep myself. It is overwhelming enough just to focus on my own life and cleanse my inner self. I thought my exterior had become decent, but I was managing my inner world in total shambles. I only realize it now. I had far too many illusory pleasures.

Illusory pleasures deceive people. What is an illusion? In pornography, you cannot physically hold the woman, but you imagine it in your head. You imagine putting your penis inside her vagina, you think about thrusting it into her mouth. Do those thoughts become reality? If thoughts became reality, how many people would an adult video actress have to be with in a single day for the math to even make sense? Imagination does not become reality. Reality belongs to those who exist within reality. Imagination belongs to those who imagine.

Yet, I do not disregard the power of imagination. For the power of imagination to manifest, one must imagine repetitively, rhythmically, and powerfully. Masturbating while watching an adult video is entirely unhelpful in that regard. If you were to watch just one single video, recall every scene in your head, simulate it, and completely map out a night with a specific actress, then perhaps you might be qualified to manifest that imagination. But most people never watch just one video, and the vast majority cannot be satisfied with just one person. From this actress to that actress. Another actress. Another video. That is not the power of imagination; it is simply a very basic trade-off where you throw away your time to buy pleasure.

To step into the real world, I intend to discard all illusions completely. To some, I might look like a fool. For a very long time, I focused on illusory things. Watching YouTube, I felt satisfied and entertained by the things they created instead of me, treating their pleasure as my own. But I was merely tasting that pleasure from afar; I was not the creator of it. A painkiller only has meaning when used strictly as a painkiller. A painkiller cannot become a staple food, nor can it be a cure. I am utterly sick and tired of living a life where I cram a mass of painkillers—the equivalent of a dopamine injector—into my mouth every single day. I struggle to break free from those who try to feed me painkillers. I keep running away. Save me. I am going to escape.